Ups, Downs, and a Whole New Mentality

Let me start this with some good news. After going into last week at 290lbs and not really working on the actual program yet, I weighed in today at Sarah's house. Turns out I've lost three pounds! The Wii Fit still doesn't like me very much (who really came up with "That's obese!" anyway??), but I was shocked. All I'd really done was cut out soft drinks and maybe not snacked out of the chip bag every time I went through the kitchen. That was a really great starting point, so I'm totally jazzed. After doing some math with Sarah, we decided that my 5% goal will be 14.5lbs. So that's what I'll be working towards in the coming weeks.

Weight Watchers is not a diet. It's a lifestyle -- a change in the way one thinks about food and exercise. For years I've always smirked a little at the very idea of Weight Watchers. It was for older women or crazy people who just needed a program to feel better about themselves. And I never really thought it actually worked . . . until meeting some people who actually lived that lifestyle and who had lost significant weight with it.

I've mentioned before that the main reason I'm doing something about all this weight now is because I was tired of looking so horrible in all my pictures. The truth, though, is that I'd been thinking about getting involved quite some time ago. But I let my fear of failure get a stranglehold on my psyche, so here I am months later. It's still something I struggle with, but I'm learning that I have to be stronger than my fear. It's all in my head, just like emotional eating.

That's not to say that we won't have bad days. For example, yesterday started really well. I had a cup of Cheerios for breakfast, which actually held me pretty well through the morning. Mom made herb-seasoned chicken breasts, steamed broccoli, and baked potatoes for lunch (which was amazing). And even though I had a slice of birthday cake later in the afternoon at my community group meeting, I didn't get hungry til after 6pm. So I thought I'd head home, have a couple slices of leftover pepperoni pizza and call it a night.

Sadly, the pizza gods were not with me last night. There was none left by the time I got home, so I had to find something else for supper. We're still short on healthy, filling foods at the moment, so my choices were limited. I finally settled on a PB&J and some cheetoes. It filled me up enough to where I wasn't hungry anymore, but here's the thing -- I got annoyed to absolutely no end. It was NOT what I wanted, and I let my dissatisfaction affect the rest of my evening. All I could think about was food -- I wanted to eat everything. To the point where I nearly gave up and headed out to Zaxby's for a chicken finger plate, because I wanted french fries REALLY bad.

But I didn't. Instead, I made myself go to bed well before midnight. I'd stayed up way too late the night before and had been running all day on less than five hours of sleep. So I'm mostly chalking up the emotions to being tired, but it's still a testament to how strongly emotional eating affects me. All it took was one little glitch in the plan. One little taste of something that I really didn't want. That's what I'm wanting to change. Food can't control me like that anymore. If nothing else, I should just be glad that I even have food. But I'm also not doing those starving African children any good if I talk myself into the last of the chocolate cake "just because it'll go bad if I don't."

Today was much better, of course. I had a full night's sleep and the previously mentioned good news. After setting up my score sheet, I have 38 daily points to work with. I sat down this evening after supper to track everything that I'd eaten today, and I came out right around 36 points. And that was without even really trying!

Goals for tomorrow: begin a tracking notebook, 30 minute walk, and get up the guts to take the multivitamins that have been sitting on my nightstand for the last week.