Life as a Soundtrack

As I type this, it's currently 1:27am. I've been staring at the blog creator page for well over an hour wracking my brain for a catchy title for this thing. It's horrible, really, this feeling that something needs to be titled before I can even start working on it. I've been that way for the longest time, though -- every story I've ever written, every blog ever conceived, every list of any kind . . . they've all had to have a title before anything else could happen. So I agonized for an hour tonight while my ipod dutifully played back my favorite tunes. And just as I was ready to close out the window and give the whole thing up as a bad job (knowing full well that I'd never get back around to it later), this particular song began -- "Defying Gravity" from the musical Wicked.

I nearly laughed. It's perfect.

I've been overweight my entire life. For as long as I can really remember, at least. And I've hated it, of course. While I have no other complaints from my childhood (thanks to my family, who I adore and for whom I'm eternally grateful), the taunts from elementary school still haunt me. I went from "Elephant" and "Hippo" in second grade to Becky "Aircraft carrier" through the rest of grade school and jr. high. Self esteem, whatever you may think about it, was (and still is) non-existant. By the time I turned 13, I weighed over 200lbs and shopped in the woman's plus section. It was absolutely demoralizing. And after living with all this weight -- physically, mentally, and emotionally -- I'm done.

Thanks to the incredible success of a dear friend, I've been motivated to begin my own journey. Truthfully? I'm terrified. There have been attempts in the past to change, and they've always failed. Sarah tells me that if she can do it, then so can I. Granted, she also says that this time next year I won't recognize myself. Still not sure if I believe that or not -- skepticism is pretty high on the meter right now.

However! Fear or not, I have to do something. At nearly 27, I can't afford to keep putting it off. So we're back to why I started this blog in the first place. I need some kind of accountability, and maybe actually documenting my activities over the coming year will help with that. And hammering out all the negativities that still haunt me might help free myself from them. For now, I'm denying those things that bring me down -- fear, uncertainty, and the seemingly innocent cheese puff.

I'm excited.